Being a person who analyzes in behavioural studies, I know I am not the “Ideal” … based on the profiling I have done. Changes in attitudes and behaviours solidify this point. Thus, no one is to blame and who am I to ask for anything if I do not even fit nicely in the Ideal catergory. It makes me wonder, if someone that fits the profile perfectly and brings about the greatest joy comes along, should I hand over my role? I believe in sacrificing for people I truly care as long as my sacrifices benefit them.

It’s the festive season and a wishlist pops up in my head … Here it  goes …

1) 2 pairs of heels (Pumps/Peep-toe) – I need a creamy peachy or nude and a sweet baby pink one

2) Dresses (Pink, Orange and Black) - For the pink and orange, I want something that’s between casual and formal … Something light and fun. For black, I want something classic and simple.

3) A charm bracelet - one that I can add and hang  lil charms on it.

4) A hair curler – I wanna play with my hair abit :p

5) A ring – I seldom wear rings or u can say I never really wear rings cause till today I still haven’t found a comfy one that suits me … Still looking out for a nice ring that suits me but maybe I am just not fated to find a suitable comfy ring. If I could afford a pink diamond now … I will get it … hehehe but anything is fine as long as it makes me feel good wearing it.

6) Attention – I wish I can get the desired attention … hmm

… Shall add to the list when more items pop up … Oh Santa! Will you make my wishes come true?

想靠岸的水手, 見到岸卻靠不過去﹐風浪確起的更大。繼續漂泊中 … 幾時才能漂到穩定與堅固的港口﹖

你在夢與現實中遊走　
我在回憶與往事中思索

我無法看穿你的眼眸　
愛要多麼深濃才算足夠

愛恨交織佔據了心頭　
淚水掩藏不住多脆弱

我心有多痛　
你不會懂

也許孤單滄桑了太久　
才會讓人忘了曾經感動

毫無保留卻故作灑脫　
執著守候你卻沈默依舊

何時才能卸下了枷鎖　
收容我在你心中停留

從此一生相守　
別無所求

我在浩瀚情海沈浮已久　
哪裡才是海的盡頭
像紅塵俗世的一葉孤舟

我在浩瀚情海沈浮已久　
愈是掙扎愈是感覺空洞
何時才能擁有美麗入夢
　
想靠岸的水手

想靠岸的水手
心不再漂泊
　
靠岸的水手　
只為你停留

最近﹐雖然憂鬱的現象已經減少了很多但是突然又有了一些恐懼感。 我一直很努力的做每件事但還是沒法受到肯定。 我還需要多做什麼才能夠達到我的目標。 奇怪的是挫折一直纏繞著我。告訴自己不要那麼悲觀了﹐有些事情不由得我控制。開心的事當然有﹐也真的很甜蜜 。。。好想擁有更多這些時光但往往還是回到了另一輪等待與期待。和朋友聚會與聊天時﹐發現自己真的老了﹐卻還是沒什麼“成就”。。。 誰不想得到幸福啊﹖

我其實是個很安靜的人﹐在很熟悉或愛的家人﹐朋友們才會活躍和多聊起來。最矛盾的是﹐我卻把很多事情藏在心裡﹐好想跟大家分享我一些私生活但有怕別人的疑問﹐也許是覺得自己的身份還是很模糊﹐很沒安全感吧。 我真的不想躲﹐想要得到光芒啦。

對未來﹐我有些期待但有不敢說出來﹐ 萬一不是我想要聽到的答案﹐我怕我會更失望。 我還是會努力的過生活也希望漂泊的我﹐很快能夠靠岸﹐享受普通人幸福簡單的生活。

說著說著。。。我又哭了 。。。 哭過就會好多了。

Dangling … that’s how I feel right now. It’s not a good feeling but it’s something I have to face. Who doesn’t want to have a strong hold to the things they want? I do not feel lost but I do want to slightly grab a hold of my future. Of course, no one knows what the future will be like but there should be some concrete plans made and adjusted according to what life brings us. Dangling  makes one feel insecure. I do have some desires and wants. Time waits for no one … yet again …

Do you see what I see?

ssliB … Bliss

Bliss is such a Beautiful word and I feel very happy that my close friends are getting it. Especially my dearest buddy who deserves true love, bliss and happiness. The day she shared the lovely news to me, I could feel the joy in my heart and I teared. What a girl truly want, is commitment

Actually, I am afraid to look at myself because I am contradicting myself in every aspect. I tell myself, if it is meant to be, it will be. I tell myself to stop expecting, hoping and planning. I tell myself to be able to take things lightly and learn to accept the cycle. Infact, I know that I do not have the luxury to enjoy any bliss now and I do not know whether I will be given the bliss in future. I tried not to think but when I analyze myself, I do feel insecure especially when I am still an invisible variable … having an ambiguous status. Of course I don’t deny the good feelings I truly felt. There are some things that I do not have the guts or ability to say and I may get rebuked for thinking too far. I don’t need promises but I wanna feel the security, the commitment, to plan the common goals to achieve, a blissful future … a home sweet home … For now, I can only drift, wait in uncertainties and hope for the best … …

Some words were mentioned to me but actions were not implemented … … I wonder if they are just spoken at a spur of a moment. I wish I can mention what they are but if the words are forgotten already, I don’t wanna bring them up … it’s ok … just some words already made me felt good even though they might not happen.

I can drift like a sailor now, but one day this sailer wants to throw the anchor, gets on the shore and settles down …

I am Certain about my choice. How about you?

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It has been 3 days since I’ve returned from my Bangkok trip. A trip that  was decided last minute and was definately a very  lovely trip that was infused with sweetness. Shopping, dining and simply roaming around were all the simple joyful moments that I treasure deeply. As much as I was looking forward to it, immersing in it, I knew when the trip ended … it would be back to another cycle.  Another wait … … I could see some improvements in the situation but there are some things that I really wanted and it is not up to me to do anything …

I really enjoyed my trip but it would have been better if the sick bug did not attack … wanted one to accompany me to shop more … hahaha … felt bad and heartpain because one was unwell.

Looking forward to more trips

I wonder how it feels like to be a real woman? I wonder since the day I gave up the rights to be a true woman, has my destiny already been written … an ending that I have to accept … even though I try to reverse and change my path … I can’t blame anyone aite …

Of course I do envy girls that are living normal, blissful and happy lives but I have to be realistic that I may not be entitled to these blessings. I train myself to be much stronger and not be affected by other girls but it is really hard. Don’t worry, I can cope with it. I shall be even stronger

Status? Yet again, Ambiguous … Unclear …Unknown, whatever one wants to call it. If I dwell too much on this, it makes me feel very insecure so why not just simply do not think about it … I don’t like to hide but I have no choice  … … … I wish I can be in the Open …

I admit I am not womanly enough, how womanly can one be when she gave up being a true woman earlier and even when she wants to change things now, it is difficult. The precious time and years have gone …

This is a funny week instead. Some of my guy friends seem to be pretty interested in my current status. Getting various questions from them… hahaha …

Are you attached now? Reply: Yes & No

What do you mean? Many boyfriends? Reply: No … Just complicated

Are you attached? Reply: Complicated …

I guess your standards are really high … Reply: I don’t think so … Just need a person that can connect with me, have a  good channel of communication and being able to balance professional and personal life … That’s all …

Those are pretty normal for a guy to provide. Reply: Depends …

We are reaching middle age, it’s about time to save up for your future. Reply: I think it’s you ba … hahaha

When is your turn?  Reply: My turn?

To settle down…  Reply: *Laugh … Next life!!! How would I know if I am getting married or not? If it’s meant to be it will be … no point fretting over this issue … (not everyone can get marital bliss, so if I am one of them, does that means I’ve to be upset?)

These are pretty normal talks between girls. It is interesting to see how some of my male friends are so homely and wants to settle down. Thanks for reminding me that I am of the age to settle down … but I guess till you guys have lots of kids … I am still where I am … hahaha!