When will the hide-N-seek process diminish?

The day where the light shines on us and we need not be in the dark anymore …

Triggering bouts of agony, vexation and uncertainties. Constantly being exposed to these are very detrimental to the mind, body and soul.

Whenever emotions hit me, I realize all my numbing, concealing and not thinking about things are far more damaging than speaking up and analyzing situations. I still wanna be me, someone that never fails to share her true feelings but I shall practise it selectively which means I should just keep my mouth shut to people that are unable to accept what I say. I am trying to keep a balance so I will not over-think as well. Though, I question the existence of Balance as I do not see people practising it.

What happens when I get all moody … the blaming game starts … well I blame myself and throw questions to myself. I am not an expert in pushing blame to others … I wonder how some can easily steer the blame to another when they are at fault too. Hahaha! After all these dramas, my mind gets clear again. I guess sometimes putting myself into a hysterical mode actually help me to grow stronger after every episode. Hmm, should I learn the art of vanishing … but that is not me, I only face problems … I do not hide …

As for now, I have spoken my piece. It is not up to me. I do what I am suppose to do. If one doesn’t know how to appreciate and treasure the committment … well … what else  can I say?

Time should never be wasted … but what the hell is time anyway? Time hates me … Hahaha!

Am I suffering because I am alive? 

If that is the case, should I cease …

It’s 3:47am …

Must everything be that hard? I have been trying my best to be positive, not to over think and be too emotional anymore but the fact is the more I try to numb myself the more I realize this painful reality of mine. I understand life is never easy for anyone but why must every aspect of mine has to be that hard. Nothing is sailing smoothly at all. I really feel very useless.

It is so difficult to find the “precious time” yet heaven makes fun of me … at this very difficult moment of mine. It is so hard to get this “precious time”  yet … yet … I have to see it … fly pass me like that … *Sigh … Is it because time doesn’t like me, thus it is not giving me the time I wanted. What must I do to deserve it? I have been trying so hard …

Am I just not fit to be a woman that can get what she truly deserve? I have never ask for anything over the top. I cannot even get the basics of life … Can anyone enlighten me and tell me what wrong have I done? I am still holding on tightly to life …

Nickelback’s songs always touch my heart one way or another … Currently listening to this song …

♥ ♥ ♥ Never Gonna Be Alone ♥ ♥ ♥

Time is going by, so much faster than I,
And I’m starting to regret not
Spending all of it with you.
Now I’m, wondering why,
I’ve kept this bottled inside,
So I’m starting to regret
Not telling all of it to you.
So if I haven’t yet, I’ve gotta let you know…

You’re never gonna be alone.
From this moment on,
If you ever feel like letting go,
I won’t let you fall.
You’re never gonna be alone!
I’ll hold you ’til the hurt is gone.

And now, as long as I can,
I’m holding on with both hands,
‘Cause forever I believe
That there’s nothing I could need but you,
So if I haven’t yet, I’ve gotta let you know…

You’re never gonna be alone.
From this moment on,
If you ever feel like letting go,
I won’t let you fall.
When all hope is gone,
I know that you can carry on.
We’re gonna take the world on,
I’ll hold you ’til the hurt is gone.

Ooooh!
You’ve gotta live every single day,
Like it’s the only one,
What if tomorrow never comes?
Don’t let it slip away,
Could be our only one,
You know it’s only just begun.
Every single day,
Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Tomorrow never comes…

Time is going by, so much faster than I,
And I’m starting to regret not
Telling all of this to you.
So if I haven’t yet, I’ve gotta let you know…

You’re never gonna be alone!
From this moment on,
If you ever feel like letting go,
I won’t let you fall.
When all hope is gone,
I know that you can carry on.
We’re gonna take the world on,
I’ll hold you ’til the hurt is gone.

I’m gonna be there always,
I won’t be missing one more day,
I’m gonna be there always,
I won’t be missing one more day.

Wedding bells are ringing around me and it is understandable especially for people around my age. A wedding is coming up this weekend, though the couple does not really know me, I cannot deny the fact that “he” plays a part in my life … without “them”, I probably will not be able to see a different side to a relationship or even get to meet … … Anyway, wishing this couple an eternal marital bliss … what’s ironic is … when one is getting bliss, he/she may unknowingly hinder another’s bliss …  I really feel like typing out what I really wanna say but ya … I have to conceal once again. It is up to you to imagine.

Views on Marriage

I am not against it but I am never interested in marriage in the past. I doubt the authencity of true love and marital bliss. Just in case you think I have gone through some bad relationships, no I did not. Usually it is me, just running away and not wanting to commit to anything.

What about now?  Haha! Very weird indeed … I never know I will step back into a relationship thingy and it seems like I have to go through a very hard one. One that’s full of obstacles but one that love truly blossoms.  Marriage? Wow … if I say I never think of it, I will be deceiving myself, especially when people around me are all getting hitched. There is nothing wrong to think but things are still to early to say. Friends always say, when you really meet the one, your true love, all these thoughts come naturally. I agree indeed but I will not even want  to think so much and later being rebuted that my  thoughts are too remote, silly, forceful or presurrizing. Hahaha! How about a status? Maybe in some point of life, one will want to get a status. As for now, I am status-less, I am not talking about married or anything. I mean a proper status that can be seen openly. When will the day be?

Views on Kids

I love kids. I always wanted kids. Orginally. I plan that I want a kid and I do not want a hubby … a plan that has been with me all along since years back … haha … Had a talk with my buddy yesterday and she told me that I should not be selfish and deprive the kid from a father figure. Well, true, my views have been changing lately, I still want a kid but I want to make sure that  I am not gonna be too old to conceive … Hahaha! I also wanna make sure that my kid gets the proper care and education too. Imagine if I am too old, by the time I say goodbye, the kid will still be too young to fend for himself/herself …  If there’s a father figure, it will be nice but one never knows what will happen next. Kids are god sent, if one is destined to be a mom, she will be.

After all the frustrations, disappointments, exhaustion … = New Strength … When one falls harder, one bounces up even higher … When being miserable gets out of hand, why not choose another way … a lighter one … Instead of wasting my precious time dwelling on pain and uncontrollable elements, why not just live everyday with an open mind and less emotions.

All the events that took place made me realize that I had been too silly in certain aspects. The one that is playing with my mind and messing it up is myself. There are things that I have endured too much and it is time to let go. I also feel that I have allowed people to sway my thoughts too easily lately. It is time to step up!

I feel better now because I am learning to stop dreaming, planning, wishing and hoping. I am not those girls that can even get basic stuff so why bother to think so much … what I want is to settle now … if I cannot even settle the present, nothing is ahead … everything is just nothing …

I had some dark episodes these couple of days. The darkside took over me. Starting a process to purge all pain and negativity. A process that was needed to make me feel better … I still do not see any light shining for me but it is ok.

I am learning to strip …  not physically but mentally and internally. Finally, I woke up from my unrealistic dreams and plans. Plans that should not be made. Silly remote plans of mine that have to be discarded. Illusions that I have created on my own. I am starting all over again. Despite my previous entry about starting on a blank canvas where  there are still hopes in me about my dreams but for now, I need to bid goodbye to them…

I have to start afresh and just work hard despite not knowing what the future has in-store for me. Who actually knows except for those who are building towards planned futures.  My heart is certain … very certain and I hold no one responsible even though if the end of the road for me will still be a gloomy one but it is still too early to say. I believe that if I am meant to receive bliss and blessings, I will get them despite all odds but if I cannot, it is ok, I have come to terms with it. I  cannot create bliss on my own. Talking about bliss, whenever I hear blissful stories or see any, I am gonna vaguely pick them up because I do not want to be affected by them, knowing the situation I am in. I am different, I am not any other girl, I am suppose to be extremely independent and can be left on my own.

From now on, I will be able to travel my journey without the burdens of my silly dreams. If I am suppose to get a happy ending, I will

Sorry that I am unable to execute feminity, sophistication, womanly qualities and the classic features of a woman that is all dressed to impress. I can’t even portray the wonderful virtues of a traditional  woman (Hmm though I can cook and clean).

I am just me. Just being true to myself. I  may not have reach the expectations of what you guys want from me, be it being a friend, a daughter or a loved one. Being myself come with lots of hardships and lack what a real woman should get in every aspect but despite being different and deprived of things, I am still me. The real me.  There are some things that I deserve and some things I don’t. I have learn to accept it.

I visualize being taken care of, sweetly doted on, being pampered, showered with lovely bliss and attention.

In reality … … … …

Hey Hey!  Nothing wrong for me to fantasize and day dream aite? Dreaming is my only luxury now. Hehehe!