最近﹐雖然憂鬱的現象已經減少了很多但是突然又有了一些恐懼感。 我一直很努力的做每件事但還是沒法受到肯定。 我還需要多做什麼才能夠達到我的目標。 奇怪的是挫折一直纏繞著我。告訴自己不要那麼悲觀了﹐有些事情不由得我控制。開心的事當然有﹐也真的很甜蜜 。。。好想擁有更多這些時光但往往還是回到了另一輪等待與期待。和朋友聚會與聊天時﹐發現自己真的老了﹐卻還是沒什麼“成就”。。。 誰不想得到幸福啊﹖
我其實是個很安靜的人﹐在很熟悉或愛的家人﹐朋友們才會活躍和多聊起來。最矛盾的是﹐我卻把很多事情藏在心裡﹐好想跟大家分享我一些私生活但有怕別人的疑問﹐也許是覺得自己的身份還是很模糊﹐很沒安全感吧。 我真的不想躲﹐想要得到光芒啦。
對未來﹐我有些期待但有不敢說出來﹐ 萬一不是我想要聽到的答案﹐我怕我會更失望。 我還是會努力的過生活也希望漂泊的我﹐很快能夠靠岸﹐享受普通人幸福簡單的生活。
說著說著。。。我又哭了 。。。 哭過就會好多了。
Dangling … that’s how I feel right now. It’s not a good feeling but it’s something I have to face. Who doesn’t want to have a strong hold to the things they want? I do not feel lost but I do want to slightly grab a hold of my future. Of course, no one knows what the future will be like but there should be some concrete plans made and adjusted according to what life brings us. Dangling makes one feel insecure. I do have some desires and wants. Time waits for no one … yet again …
Do you see what I see?
ssliB … Bliss
Bliss is such a Beautiful word and I feel very happy that my close friends are getting it. Especially my dearest buddy who deserves true love, bliss and happiness. The day she shared the lovely news to me, I could feel the joy in my heart and I teared. What a girl truly want, is commitment 
Actually, I am afraid to look at myself because I am contradicting myself in every aspect. I tell myself, if it is meant to be, it will be. I tell myself to stop expecting, hoping and planning. I tell myself to be able to take things lightly and learn to accept the cycle. Infact, I know that I do not have the luxury to enjoy any bliss now and I do not know whether I will be given the bliss in future. I tried not to think but when I analyze myself, I do feel insecure especially when I am still an invisible variable … having an ambiguous status. Of course I don’t deny the good feelings I truly felt. There are some things that I do not have the guts or ability to say and I may get rebuked for thinking too far. I don’t need promises but I wanna feel the security, the commitment, to plan the common goals to achieve, a blissful future … a home sweet home … For now, I can only drift, wait in uncertainties and hope for the best … …
Some words were mentioned to me but actions were not implemented … … I wonder if they are just spoken at a spur of a moment. I wish I can mention what they are but if the words are forgotten already, I don’t wanna bring them up … it’s ok … just some words already made me felt good even though they might not happen.
I can drift like a sailor now, but one day this sailer wants to throw the anchor, gets on the shore and settles down …
I am Certain about my choice. How about you?
[23-261109]
It has been 3 days since I’ve returned from my Bangkok trip. A trip that was decided last minute and was definately a very lovely trip that was infused with sweetness. Shopping, dining and simply roaming around were all the simple joyful moments that I treasure deeply. As much as I was looking forward to it, immersing in it, I knew when the trip ended … it would be back to another cycle. Another wait … … I could see some improvements in the situation but there are some things that I really wanted and it is not up to me to do anything …
I really enjoyed my trip but it would have been better if the sick bug did not attack … wanted one to accompany me to shop more … hahaha … felt bad and heartpain because one was unwell.
Looking forward to more trips
I wonder how it feels like to be a real woman? I wonder since the day I gave up the rights to be a true woman, has my destiny already been written … an ending that I have to accept … even though I try to reverse and change my path … I can’t blame anyone aite …
Of course I do envy girls that are living normal, blissful and happy lives but I have to be realistic that I may not be entitled to these blessings. I train myself to be much stronger and not be affected by other girls but it is really hard. Don’t worry, I can cope with it. I shall be even stronger
Status? Yet again, Ambiguous … Unclear …Unknown, whatever one wants to call it. If I dwell too much on this, it makes me feel very insecure so why not just simply do not think about it … I don’t like to hide but I have no choice … … … I wish I can be in the Open …
I admit I am not womanly enough, how womanly can one be when she gave up being a true woman earlier and even when she wants to change things now, it is difficult. The precious time and years have gone …
This is a funny week instead. Some of my guy friends seem to be pretty interested in my current status. Getting various questions from them… hahaha …
Are you attached now? Reply: Yes & No
What do you mean? Many boyfriends? Reply: No … Just complicated
Are you attached? Reply: Complicated …
I guess your standards are really high … Reply: I don’t think so … Just need a person that can connect with me, have a good channel of communication and being able to balance professional and personal life … That’s all …
Those are pretty normal for a guy to provide. Reply: Depends …
We are reaching middle age, it’s about time to save up for your future. Reply: I think it’s you ba … hahaha
When is your turn? Reply: My turn?
To settle down… Reply: *Laugh … Next life!!! How would I know if I am getting married or not? If it’s meant to be it will be … no point fretting over this issue … (not everyone can get marital bliss, so if I am one of them, does that means I’ve to be upset?)
These are pretty normal talks between girls. It is interesting to see how some of my male friends are so homely and wants to settle down. Thanks for reminding me that I am of the age to settle down … but I guess till you guys have lots of kids … I am still where I am … hahaha!
When will the hide-N-seek process diminish?
The day where the light shines on us and we need not be in the dark anymore …
Triggering bouts of agony, vexation and uncertainties. Constantly being exposed to these are very detrimental to the mind, body and soul.
Whenever emotions hit me, I realize all my numbing, concealing and not thinking about things are far more damaging than speaking up and analyzing situations. I still wanna be me, someone that never fails to share her true feelings but I shall practise it selectively which means I should just keep my mouth shut to people that are unable to accept what I say. I am trying to keep a balance so I will not over-think as well. Though, I question the existence of Balance as I do not see people practising it.
What happens when I get all moody … the blaming game starts … well I blame myself and throw questions to myself. I am not an expert in pushing blame to others … I wonder how some can easily steer the blame to another when they are at fault too. Hahaha! After all these dramas, my mind gets clear again. I guess sometimes putting myself into a hysterical mode actually help me to grow stronger after every episode. Hmm, should I learn the art of vanishing … but that is not me, I only face problems … I do not hide …
As for now, I have spoken my piece. It is not up to me. I do what I am suppose to do. If one doesn’t know how to appreciate and treasure the committment … well … what else can I say?
Time should never be wasted … but what the hell is time anyway? Time hates me … Hahaha!
Am I suffering because I am alive?
If that is the case, should I cease …
It’s 3:47am …
Must everything be that hard? I have been trying my best to be positive, not to over think and be too emotional anymore but the fact is the more I try to numb myself the more I realize this painful reality of mine. I understand life is never easy for anyone but why must every aspect of mine has to be that hard. Nothing is sailing smoothly at all. I really feel very useless.
It is so difficult to find the “precious time” yet heaven makes fun of me … at this very difficult moment of mine. It is so hard to get this “precious time” yet … yet … I have to see it … fly pass me like that … *Sigh … Is it because time doesn’t like me, thus it is not giving me the time I wanted. What must I do to deserve it? I have been trying so hard …
Am I just not fit to be a woman that can get what she truly deserve? I have never ask for anything over the top. I cannot even get the basics of life … Can anyone enlighten me and tell me what wrong have I done? I am still holding on tightly to life …
