Seems like I am being deprive of everything. Especially this month. It’s a really bad month. I am no stranger to sleep deprivation … it has been this way since long ago but when age catches up … it’s really taxing on me. I feel really tired but no matter how, I simply can’t doze off. I burnt and hurt my face too 
Now, trying to fight the scars … I have no energy to do anything, no appetite to eat , no mood to live and overcomed by loneliness.
July, a very dark month … I was sick for 3 weeks with no apparent reasons. Chaotic family situations and being forsaken into silence. I have been really depressed but I can’t do anything about it. Tearing everynight made things worse. I tried my best to stay positive but the darkness had taken over me. I can only face everything alone.
I am feeling really empty and discouraged. I am trying my best to work hard for my future and to attain my goals but what I get are setbacks after setbacks. Meeting nasty people, nevermind, all I want is to get myself going again. It is a painful blow to me but I just endure. How much longer must I wait for my opportunity?
Have I been deceiving myself that life will get better or I have simply not shed enough blood and tears? What more should I do?I know things are not under my control, so I cannot blame anyone for being unable to accomodate to me. This is really hard. It is true that no one has obligations to entertain, listen or even answer to me. I only have myself to blame for being so thick skinned to expect people to reply me.
Oh, ya … I can totally forget about expectations. I am learning not to expect anymore ’cause that will only bring about hurt if things don’t go well. Since things are already planned, I shall just flow with it and be prepared for the worse case scenario. I know I won’t be able to take it if I take things too hard. So I will just numb myself.
Before the ultimate numbness can take place, more sufferings and torturings must occur.
How much more blood must I shed? Or should I let my blood runs dry …
I just want to be out of depressive mode. Maybe I should view myself as a part-timer in everyone’s life so I won’t feel that I am deprived of anything.
