R.E.F.L.E.C.T.I.O.N.S

“Who is that girl I see … Staring back right at me … “

Today is 26th. 5 more days to the end of July … One of the worse July I had so far.  A Dark and Depressing month. Tears flowed nightly. Depressing vibes filled my soul. Suicidal thoughts flashed across my mind. It was that bad. My heart was aching badly, physically and mentally exhausted. I just wanted to hide and to burrow into the dark mist.

Thus I reached out. I confided, expressed my thoughts and feelings but the reactions I got were pretty upsetting. I am thankful that there are still good souls that are truly concerned for me. I thought I should be direct with my feelings and confided because I needed help and a listening ear but I am beginning to wonder if I should just keep silent of my pain next time.

I am really tired of being in a depressed and negative mode. It is killing me to the extent that I wanna slice myself up. All these years of sufferings should be enough for me to start getting a slightly better and positive life aite. I may not be able to get what a girl hopes for in life but at least give me a chance to shine.  It’s about time.

“I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

There’s a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I’m forced to hide
I won’t pretend that I’m
Someone else
For all time”

” When will my reflection show … Who I am inside …”

(The reflection will show the 2 of us)

Unforgiveable Sinner

For I am a sinner for being expressive, direct and open about my woes. Ever since I am young, I thought being direct and sharing with people are important instead of being aloof and faking a false front.

Therefore, I speak up and communicate my emotions, be it happiness, sadness or worries. Maybe I am wrong after all. I am actually causing people more problems by confiding in them. Seriously, I always welcome anyone to confide in me and I am willing to provide a listening ear even to those that only look for me in times of trouble.

It is my fault for sharing my problems and seeking advices from anyone. Apologies if I have cause anyone any additional worries. Ok maybe not worries but making anyone feel frustrated to listen to me. I have no intention to disturb. Though you guys might not want to listen to my worries, I welcome you guys to confide in me when you need to.

Sorry if i accidentally affected anyone’s mood because of me. You guys can go enjoy your life instead of being irritated by me. Sorry. I shouldn’t bother anyone when I am sick, in pain, depressed etc … I don’t blame anyone for what’s happening to my life. I blame myself and I am the cause of my messed up mind.

I should learn to conceal emotions and simply drift … … I am not giving up on my life instead I am gonna change it so I won’t be affected by aloof attitudes. Even if I give my life up, nevermind it’s my problem but I will try to make my life positive first … if positivity doesn’t work … maybe an extreme solution has to be used.

H.O.M.E

What is Home? Isn’t it suppose to be a place full of love, bliss and a safe haven to return to after a long day outside? Seriously, you don’t have to keep reminding me that for a citizen that is single, he/she can purchase a public apartment at the age of 35. Yes, it’s still years more before I reach it. Well, I know that you guys are jeering  that I may not have the ability or have the vast sum of money to get one. It’s ok, I know it’s difficult for me too.

I thought I am being sensitive till I know the plans you all have for the current place I am staying. Eventually, it will be a place for “him” to build his family and then my room would have to be given up for his “kids”. So I told him, no worries, I will find a place on my own, he laughed and told me I certainly won’t get a home. Double blow to me. *Sigh Nevermind … When the time comes that you guys want to implement the future plan for the place I am staying, I won’t be so thick-skinned and not leave. I shall be armed with a sleeping bag and everywhere will be my home. At least I am not sleeping on cardboard boxes, I have a sleeping bag and the breezy streets.

So stop pushing me and reminding me. I know where I stand.

Teardrops

The Nightly Flow of Tears …

remind me that I still have a pulse …

Skin Woes

Being depressing this period has really taken a toll on my skin. Been getting crazy spots or simply getting hurt. Infact, at the beginning of July, my skin was good … then some spots … burnt it when I used the wrong product even though it was meant for sensitive skin … thus my skin became red, painful and blotchy… still trying to heal from the burn … an accident happened … I poked my cheek with my nail accidentally while washing my face and bled profusely. While I am typing this now, it’s still bleeding. All these led to marks on my skin. Oh Gosh! It’s gonna take time to heal them. I know they will be gone but … *Sigh … Return me my flawless skin! I think I look hideous now!

Deprivation

Seems like I am being deprive of everything. Especially this month. It’s a really bad month. I am no stranger to sleep deprivation … it has been this way since long ago but when age catches up … it’s really taxing on me. I feel really tired but no matter how, I simply can’t doze off.  I burnt and hurt my face too Now, trying to fight the scars … I have no energy to do anything, no appetite to eat , no mood to live and overcomed by loneliness.

July, a very dark month … I was sick for 3 weeks with no apparent reasons. Chaotic family situations and being forsaken into silence. I have been really depressed but I can’t do anything about it. Tearing everynight made things worse. I tried my best to stay positive but the darkness had taken over me. I can only face everything alone.

I am feeling really empty and discouraged. I am trying my best to work hard for my future and to attain my goals but what I get are setbacks after setbacks. Meeting nasty people, nevermind, all I want is to get myself  going again. It is a painful blow to me but I just endure. How much longer must I wait for my opportunity?

Have I been deceiving myself that life will get better or I have simply not shed enough blood and tears? What more should I do?I know things are not under my control, so I cannot blame anyone for being unable to accomodate to me. This is really hard. It is true that no one has obligations to entertain, listen or even answer to me. I only have myself to blame for being so thick skinned to expect people to reply me.

Oh, ya … I can totally  forget about expectations. I am learning not to expect anymore ’cause that will only bring about hurt if things don’t go well. Since things are already planned, I shall just flow with it and be prepared for the worse case scenario. I know I won’t be able to take it if I take things too hard. So I will just numb myself.

Before the ultimate numbness can take place, more sufferings and torturings must occur.

How much more blood must I shed? Or should I let my blood runs dry …

I just want to be out of depressive mode. Maybe I should view myself as a part-timer in everyone’s life so I won’t feel that I am deprived of anything.

5am

… … …

Where the air feels so fresh. When I look out of the window, I can see some lights, some people are ready to get to work. It is still very quiet but soon the noises from vehicles will be heard. I see my reflection from the window, a grime face. At this moment, I am questioning my own existence. I feel cold and alone.

Deep in my heart there are my silly love one, my dearest buddy and friends that support me. Even if you guys ultimately choose to forsake me and leave me in my path alone … You will always be in my heart till the day I depart.

Secret Agent M

She is smiling yet no one will know whether is she smiling inside as well. Maybe those who truly knows her will know.

Secret Agent M’s Conversation with Darkness:

D: You have to stay in the dark.

M: Why should I? Why can’t I be in the light?

D: Sorry, but to protect everyone’s interest, you need to sacrifice.

M: Can’t I even show my true emotions?

D: No. You need to learn the art of disguise. Use your smile to conceal everything.

M: Such as disguising myself as bliss even if I feel like a burden?

D: Yes. Even if there is pain. You have to endure. No one should know about your existence.

M: Everything has to be done discreetly then?

D: *Nods .. Definately YES! You have no choice. You may want to polish up your acting skills too.

M: What is that for?

D: Then you will be able to disguise sorrow, confusions and pain into energy.

M: I am gonna learn to bottle up feelings and swallow all uncertainties.

D: That’s perfect. You have to stay in the dark till it’s the right time for you to shine and be in the open.

M: When will that be?

D: I am not sure of it too. Might be soon and might be never. You just gotta wait. Seriously, you always been waiting, didn’t you?

M: *Walks away slowly. Her dark shadow follows her … to her usual dark corner … Waiting

A Simple Life

Working towards a :

… Simple Life …

Sweet Relationship_ Enhanced Kinship and Everlasting Friendship_Healthy Lifestyle_Positive Mindset_Stable Career_Home for Us

Though there will be lots of challenges along the way, they will be converted as strength for me to flow  towards my goal.

Q.U.E.U.E U.P

Comparison is taxing. Thus, there is no point to compare when you already know your value. Self-value either increases or decreases with time. For me, if I can just be in the middle, I’ll be glad. When you know you can never be the 1st in the queue, it is ok, just join the queue even if you are second or last. If you don’t queue up, you will never have your chance at all. Life is full of waiting anyway.

Currently queuing up for progress in : Relationship, Career, Family, Bliss and Happiness.

Where do I stand now? What is my value in them? Well, all I know is that I am still queuing and pursuing. I am focusing on how to bring my life to another level and create changes for a better tomorrow. One day, I would love to be the focus …