Choco Sparkles

There are lots of elements we can never control in life but those are the ones that hit us  the most. The only way to deal with it is not too immerse yourself in deep thinking or in a negative emotional state. I am learning not to let my life be ruined by negative emotions and look at the brighter side of things. Indeed, it is not easy for  me to adapt to being more positive but I will try my best.

Expectations only bring disappointment when things cannot be fulfilled. Thus, I will just try to survive and flow everyday till my energy is totally depeted. My mere existence is just to let people realise how fortunate they are when they see what I am going through all these years. Just remember to give me a smile when you have the little free time in your life, I will truly appreciate it.

Being sick these few weeks, though in pain, it was actually a luxury for me. Being dizzy, having bad headaches and cramps made me not think as much. I managed to get more sleep as well from the medication.

Seems like confining myself is inevitable. I thought  I can try to chill up, relax a bit and try to spice up my life. I guess the four walls still suit me the most. I will be able to show my true emotions and not let others know what I am really feeling as what they will see, will always be a smile I put on when I step out of these walls. I will keep confining myself till I have the ability to let loose and enjoy life. 

To the people around me:

Enjoy your bliss and happiness. Focus on your priorities. Do not need to worry about me. I am used to it. Hopefully sweetness will come by for me in years to come. I will bottle all emotions up and you will see nothing but a girl that has only a smile on her face.

The only thing I can do now is to keep myself alive.

Suddenly, my momentum of life becomes pretty quiet. Though, I am angered by some deafening noises. Other than that, I have been confining myself alot. Silence seems to be creeping into my path, maybe I am still trying to adjust to it. I miss those times but I guess it’s good for one to focus on current issues. As for me, I can deal with both.

It is not about me craving for constant attention which infact I do not think I am ever the center of attention before. It does not matter but it will be nice, if one can just stop by and simply greet me with a hello. When I do not smile, I know I can look pretty fierce and cold but once you know me, you will know I can be funny.

Looking at people around me, I do kind of envy them. It is just a moment of envy as I have decided to remove envy and jealousy in my life so I will never feel bitter. Life is too short for comparison. When will it be my turn to enjoy my bliss and be surrounded by warmth? I have pictured my future, a simple life …

Feeling agitated and really moody recently. The deafening noises from the construction projects only angers me more. I am feeling exhausted. So exhausted that I simply do not want to move around or even do anything … My appetite level has gone real down, nothing interest me … though I have cravings but when I eat my usual faves they are tasteless to me. Probably all the medications make me lose my appetite and increase my frustration. I am gonna chuck them aside, they ain’t helping.

Now I feel like drawing a house which is full of things and the person I love so I can jump into it and vanish …

As I guess what the end result will be from my observation, I might as well wait a while so I do not need to face the negative answer so soon (delay a few weeks).

Kee Kee … Oh yeah … I want to be a POSITIVE girl Some may find that I am insane I guess but I just want my life, a new life, our lives

Took a long walk from my place to the clinic today. Lots of flashbacks of memories when I was walking past my previous house, secondary school etc. Missed those carefree days but I was not exactly a happy girl either. Oh well, after a consultation with my doc, she prescribed me lots of pills … mostly targeting at abdominal, gastrointestinal, nauseous and giddy problems. *Sigh

最近身體不適﹐自己也很無奈。 雖然很渴望有人照顧但是大家都很忙。所以﹐我也很獨立的照顧自己。固執的我﹐遲遲不去看醫生。 才發現我身體不適已經好幾天了。我會乖乖去診所啦。 我感到非常內疚﹐ 讓愛我﹐疼我, 關心我的親人﹐朋友們擔心。 最對不起的人就是你﹐讓你的擔心了。我會把身體調養好﹐ 讓自己恢復體力和健康。

Definately no. I just refuse to make assumptions though there is a possibility. There is a gut-feeling but I rather not think to prevent myself from getting overwhelmed or disappointed. It is an intuition but let see how it goes, I do not want to speculate …

I am really really exhausted and I simply have no clue what it’s happening to me.  Almost 3 weeks of dizziness, nauseous, fatigue and headaches are killing me. Worse of all, I am getting cramps. Energy level depeted too. Getting tired easily and always in a giddy mode. I keep wanting to nap at noon time but when it gets to the night, my body is tired but I cannot sleep  My body temperature keeps fluctuating. Sometimes I suddenly get chills or I will just feel hot.

The worse thing is that I keep feeling something is stucked in my chest, throat area. and feeling bloated. Appetite is crazy, sometimes keep snacking or no appetite. When I eat halfway, I feel disgusted, bloated and want to throw everything up.

There are no fever, flu or anything else. Must be the freaking weather or my body is simply protesting!

Motherhood is such an amazing journey.

 If I get sprinkled by magical baby dust, I am ready to embark on this lovely & spectacular journey.