Stripped to the Minimal

I had some dark episodes these couple of days. The darkside took over me. Starting a process to purge all pain and negativity. A process that was needed to make me feel better … I still do not see any light shining for me but it is ok.

I am learning to strip …  not physically but mentally and internally. Finally, I woke up from my unrealistic dreams and plans. Plans that should not be made. Silly remote plans of mine that have to be discarded. Illusions that I have created on my own. I am starting all over again. Despite my previous entry about starting on a blank canvas where  there are still hopes in me about my dreams but for now, I need to bid goodbye to them…

I have to start afresh and just work hard despite not knowing what the future has in-store for me. Who actually knows except for those who are building towards planned futures.  My heart is certain … very certain and I hold no one responsible even though if the end of the road for me will still be a gloomy one but it is still too early to say. I believe that if I am meant to receive bliss and blessings, I will get them despite all odds but if I cannot, it is ok, I have come to terms with it. I  cannot create bliss on my own. Talking about bliss, whenever I hear blissful stories or see any, I am gonna vaguely pick them up because I do not want to be affected by them, knowing the situation I am in. I am different, I am not any other girl, I am suppose to be extremely independent and can be left on my own.

From now on, I will be able to travel my journey without the burdens of my silly dreams. If I am suppose to get a happy ending, I will

Feminity Execution

Sorry that I am unable to execute feminity, sophistication, womanly qualities and the classic features of a woman that is all dressed to impress. I can’t even portray the wonderful virtues of a traditional  woman (Hmm though I can cook and clean).

I am just me. Just being true to myself. I  may not have reach the expectations of what you guys want from me, be it being a friend, a daughter or a loved one. Being myself come with lots of hardships and lack what a real woman should get in every aspect but despite being different and deprived of things, I am still me. The real me.  There are some things that I deserve and some things I don’t. I have learn to accept it.

Vi-sua-lizing

I visualize being taken care of, sweetly doted on, being pampered, showered with lovely bliss and attention.

In reality … … … …

Hey Hey!  Nothing wrong for me to fantasize and day dream aite? Dreaming is my only luxury now. Hehehe!

Blank Canvas

November … A New Beginning ?

I am exhausted of my old self that is why I am breaking out of the intense, controlled, stressed … shell of mine to a blank new canvas. What is the point of worrying the unknown? Never fight life as life always win. I am learning to adjust to it, work with it and make the best out of it. Many things have happened that made me woke up from all my assumptions, dreams and plans. It is time for new ones that are more fulfilling.

I have learnt not to be selfish. Who am I to deprive people of their time if they are happy with where and who they are with? If  one can feel great happiness and accomplishments where they are, should I even deprive them of their happiness to fulfill mine. My mere existence is there to fill in the gap, be around when needed, provide a listening ear and step aside when not  … I shall play my role well which will be beneficial to all. I don’t care if I will ever be appreciated, be the focus or being noticed anymore. If things are meant to be, it will just happen. .

I am not unhappy, I have grown to understand so much better and seeing things clearer. Some things can’t be change no matter how hard I have tried … I just wanna live my life positively, learn to conceal emotions and move on. Everything is still unknown, uncertain and unwritten … My canvas is here … always ready for one to fill it up with stories and pictures. Can they be lovely and blissful ones?

什麼是幸福啊﹖

一直再問自己﹐幸福究竟是什麼﹖

幸福是得到想要的簡單生活。。。有時候覺得不管多麼努力一直好像在原地踏步﹐連簡單的須要和生活都很難得到。

幸福是得到想要的時間但是時間﹐地理往往一直是。。。(*不知道要如何寫完這個句子)

幸福是能夠擁有自己幸福的家庭。。。這兒確實是最難的挑戰應為不是我一個人能控制或實現的。

幸福是能夠走出黑暗﹐擁抱光芒﹐能夠自我表達自己的情感﹐想法和感受﹐ 不必隱藏。

幸福是不要比較﹐自己明明很清楚但是他們所得到的時間﹐見面﹐談天﹐聯絡﹐ 對他們而言是平常的但我只有羨慕的份。因為基本的一切﹐想得到也很難。

幸福是一個人的時候也能面帶笑容。以前都是這樣﹐選擇了一個人生活的方式﹐是應為很怕麻煩與問題﹐想要簡單的一切。現在觀念改了﹐發現自己獨自走在街上時﹐看到幸福的家庭﹐甜蜜的情侶或一大班開心的人﹐都覺得有點孤單。雖然我們都很努力的會安排聚會但是朋友們往往還是忙於自己的感情於家人。呵呵﹐這也是應該的啦。隨著年齡變大﹐中心放在情感上是很平常的。

幸福是不要期待或等待。如果是你的就會是你的﹐ 也會自然的呈現在你面前。

最近﹐身旁的一些人都沉浸在甜蜜幸福中﹐有些還報喜訊。真的為他們感到開心。

不知道幸福名單上有沒有我﹖

Break or Break Me?

Just came back from an exhausting trip to Genting Highlands. An interesting trip indeed where I was sick all the way till now … I was not  feeling well a few days before my trip but with medication I was feeling better so I went ahead to accompany my mum and aunt for  a short trip. I thought I could have a little break but I was actually breaking myself up.

It was not fun to travel in a cold highland area in my condition. I could not breathe well , down with a high fever, sore throat, cough and flu. All these erupted to a full blast only when I was there. I was giddy, in a zombie like state, still trying to shop and eat despite the discomfort. We had buffet, Japanese food etc. but I did not have an appetite, all the food taste bland to me and I wanted to puke. I was high on pills, oops … medication. I managed to catch a pretty cool show of flamboyant dancers, magic shows and special acts. Inconsiderate people who floated rules and smoked in restricted mall’s area made me felt even more sick and I lost my voice totally. It was usually good to escape from the heat in my country to a cooler place but this time it was rather painful to be in such weather and mountain altitude.

The worse was during the night. I went to bed early around 1am+ yet I could not sleep despite being exhausted. My body was heating up and aching. I felt like banging myself to the wall to ease the pain. Finally managed to get some sleep and felt a little better. We have to travel 45 minutes by vehicle down the highlands, I puked and was all groggy (I thought I was better but I was not.) Silly me. I will make sure I am fit for travel next time than to suffer throughout the journey. Right now, my voice is slightly back but I am still running a temperature …

L.O.V.E

Sometimes, little actions act up to a whole lot more … An old video but really sweet.

隱形人

當隱形人﹐是好或是壞呢﹖

一直以來都不喜歡依賴人家﹐所以習慣自己做自己的事情﹐不喜歡人家關我﹐因為從很久以前都準備好一個人獨自生活了 。。。(雖然我的“一個人”想法已經改變了)

慢慢地我也變成了隱形人。 因為大家都覺得我能夠應付一切﹐不用關我。 其實當我真正需要人的關心﹐愛護時﹐卻來的特別的難。大家都忙於對自己比較重要的事﹐不小心忽略了我也不是他們的錯。我唯一能做的就是要更加堅強﹐好好照顧自己。現在只有我﹐如果連我自己都不管自己。。。那麼活著只是浪費所有資源 。。。這條路很難走﹐但是我也要一步一步的努力走下去。

Sick … Sickening Month

October is really a month full of turbulence …

Sick Sick Sick … everyone’s falling sick. It started from my aunt who developed a cough and flu, then the kids caught the flu, next was my mom who came down with a nasty sore throat and high fever … and I had gastric problems …

Few days ago, my bro caught the flu bug and had a fever … his symptoms didn’t subside and got worse that he was sent to the hospital yesterday and was put on drip. Right now, I am down with flu and slight fever.

They took meds, saw doctors and tried not to spread the bug around but somehow this bug was nasty.  I realize how worried and concerned when one is sick in my family, constant calling, sponging with cold water, providing food and fetching them to the clinic but the fact is… all these are distant to me. Since young, whenever I am sick, no matter how drowsy I am, I drag myself to the clinic on my own and pretty much take care of myself. Probably due to the independence I have shown all these years that everyone kind of leave me alone. Of course, they still call and check on me but what I meant is usually I am on my own when I am sick.

Hahaha! I just take medication, sleep and prepare food for myself. It is a routine that I am so familiar with. I do yearn for someone to take care of me, give me a warm hug, cook a bowl of congee or cover me with a blanket when I am shivering but … the someone now can only be Myself … Hahaha! No worries aite, I am a tough cookie.

While typing this, I am feeling a throbbing pain in my head and the massive drilling noise from the upgrading works is making it worse. Wanted to nap a little  but I cannot. I have to doubly clean the house and disinfect the place to provide a clean and hygenic environment for all.

It’s scrubbing time!

Keep Away!

Someone that is close and dear to me asked me something today. “Why are you always keeping to yourself? Why are you detaching yourself from the rest?  What if one day you need help? Nobody will come to your aide.”

I replied: ” What is the point? What else can I do? How to speak up when certain aspects of  my life have to be hidden? What if I speak up? It will only cause worries to others and they may not be able to help me but instead get frustrated from listening. Who really has the patience to listen to me and hear me share all my woes?  The only thing to prevent myself from being disappointed is to simply keep away from gatherings or any socializing events that are of no values or purposes. If anything happens to me, no worries, just let me rot.”

Whenever I need someone, I realize I am still unable to get the attention required regardless of speaking up or not. I do not  want to trouble anyone anymore. People who know me know that I do not talk much and prefer to be quiet around most people unless I am with my loved ones and close friends. I love them so I talk to them and feel more bubbly naturally.

As for now, even if I am facing  problems, I rather hide them all. What is the use of sharing and be subjected to the aloof side of human attitudes? Isn’t it better to keep away and put on a cheerful smile where no one truly knows what is going on in me?